27 February 2010

Death of a Facebooker

(Obituary, in memoriam, Ms. Ananya Borgohain)

It grieves us to announce the sad and timely demise of Ms. Ananya Borgohain, alias Cynthia, on this 28th day of February, 2080. Matriarch of a fledging family of five children, twenty-five grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren, she breathed her last on a lonely hammock in a far away corner of her peaceful pastoral abode in the rolling hills of Dhemaji, Assam. She was 91.

Our association with Ms. Borgohain goes back to the summer of 2009 when bored after jilting hearts and betraying lovers she fell to the manifold charms of Facebook. Then it was that she discovered the limitless potential of our multi-faceted institution, the diversity of our feeds and the plethora of our online gaming portals. The unrivalled facility of writing long-winded notes and statues as well as commenting on her friends’ walls and in their albums particularly appealed to her then lonely soul and thus helped us become what no (wo)man alive could ever be for: a true friend, an alter ego to project and propagate all her ideas, ideologies and inner most desires.

Indeed, for in this we alone can proudly claim to have been privy to her bottomless heart. In all these past seventy years no incident, no little occurrence in her eventful life was secret to us: be it a movie she particularly disliked, a dish she had cause to criticise or a man she fain would smite, all was revealed to us. Her love, joy, sorrow and lust, all came to us first and thus made us the sole connect between herself and the world at large.

Of course, when we talk of the world we talk of reality as she knew it: we refer to that which lesser mortals in those antiquated days of her youth considered virtual reality. In doing so we cannot but help reminding readers of Ms. Borgohain’s instrumental role in shifting the focus of humanity from that musty arena of physically realisable entities and relationships to those infinitely better ones forged in the corridors of cyberspace. Her own married life was witness to this unflinching devotion to the cause: she had met her lately deceased husband in the famous group Chefs Anonymous; her nuptial was the first in the subcontinent to be solemnised by the Facebook branch of the Marriage Registrar and the first time she heard her eldest daughter cry ‘Ma’ was when she showed her a video of the prize winning aari prepared by her husband in the International Food Fest held in London in the year 2020. Truly, ours has been the bond of a lifetime.

Indeed, not just of but also beyond: even in death Ms. Borgohain remains with us. Her last status update, the monosyllabic ‘Dying’, has seen in the past one hour about fifty likes and over a hundred congratulatory messages. In the meantime, even as members of the group Cynthia Rocks! hotly debate the possibility of the ghost of this Lady Farmer suffusing the software of Barn Buddy, a wizened old man by the name of Mital has claimed to have received a poke from her account ten minutes after she passed on to occupy her own little chicken farm in heaven.

As in life, so in death, Ms. Borgohain continues a transcendental signifier. Her material remains will be cremated the day after tomorrow on the sandy banks of the Brahmaputra, an event which the bereaved family has graciously agreed to telecast live on Facebook. Further, as a final mark of respect Facebook Inc. will remain suspended in limbo for an hour immediately after the much-awaited event to afford the Borgohain clan a few moments of solitude and peace. May she eat in peace.


Creation said...

Right. So,

1) Definitely interesting but, as I've already told you, this language will be non-existent by 2080. Heck! It's non-existent now! You're the only weirdo who still talks like this.

2) There will be much better things by 2080 than Facebook. FB will be positively extinct by then, with only a page on Wikipedia dedicated to the once-popular social-networking site.

3) Hammock? In 2080? Seriously! You have NO IMAGINATION at all?

4) And just btw, No site will stay suspended no matter who dies! Unless of course the servers die, which, I presume, would be just another of those long-forgotten things by 2080.

Creation said...

And oh!

5) Ananya will KILL YOU for putting up that picture.

AP said...


Creation said...

Righteous. Makes sense... NOT!

AP said...

This probably has to be your most useless blog post ever, although I feel that you have potential to do much worse. The only reason I'm commenting is because I disagree with the previous commenter when they say such language will be non-existent by 2080. The language was the only (mildly) entertaining thing about this post and seriously if Latin has lasted this long (although you might argue that there are hardly any blogs written in Latin), in my humble opinion, Queen's English certainly has a much brighter future.

AP said...

What the pox!

Creation said...

@ The 'other' AP

Traces, yes. But do you talk in Latin? Write books? Read them? Anything? Just another phrase here and there. It has been reduced to the archives and it's dying there, choked.

This language might exist, yes, but rest assured, the 2080-generation (and I'm generalising things here) will not connect to Queen's English. There is, of course, no doubt ton the existence of exceptions.

Creation said...

doubt about*

AP said...


Creation said...

@ MY AP :P

Umm, tumne Holi ki bhaang advance mein pi li kya?

AP said...

Nonino! No!

Creation said...

*looks left*

*looks right*

*suspiciously gazes at the monitor*

Ehh.... umm... oh-kay!

ananya said...

THAT IS A RATHER RATHER RATHERRRRRRRR DISGUSTING PIC OF MINE!!!!!! I abhor it sooooooo much!!!!! You are done for Soldier!!! Anyways, I like this post(read by now I am used to Anubhav writing nasty things about me) And since I will never actually die, it was fun reading my own obituary!! BUT...5 children??? Lonely hammock??? And my staus message saying 'Dying' would have a 100 congratulatory comments??? Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

rahul said...

anubhav ... i rlly don't wnt to say this man... cause since the day i hv entrd rmjs u hv been alwys helpful...but dude sm truths hv to cm out...u r weird...too introvert who's trying to becm an extrovert in his own weirdo ways after losing the gsc elections...u may hate me nd may defintly wnt to gv me sm dirty ans....but still man...this is not the way...books padhna kam karo...jawaani main se budhapa hatao...beech sadak pe walk karte hue kitabein mat padha karo...nd man stop talking to urself...dvlp some practical sense dude...nd start participating in some physical sports...u wld feel rejuvenated nd stron...physically + mentally...just be kool...rest of the things wld come on their own...best of luck yaar...u r a nice guy...but need to be a bit more funny

AP said...

Thank you very much for the practical advice, Rahul. I'm really indebted for this, I assure you.