Some missives to Indian Men, being suggestions based on observation

Dear Sirs,

There is, of course, nothing fixed and permanent in this world and so whatever we take as being so is but an arbitration of our betters – or simply, of those with more the influence to do so. Still, matters being what they are and ways being affixed to the world, ‘tis necessary to provide a few directions as to habits to be refrained from:

• Please scratch your privates in private only. We know you feel fully at ease both in and out and would rather not have your freedom to have a ball with your vitals upon any occasion be curtailed, but the action in all its multitudinous forms being not a bit distasteful to some other minor portions of the populace, you are humbly beseeched to have a care and carefully tend to this most beloved of your cares not in human company.

• Please leave the cleansing of your visible bodily orifices to less demanding times of the day. Every man is a jung bahadur in his own way, but to continually be cleaning your nose and ears and plucking them clean of excess hair in the busy thoroughfares of life is not fully conducive towards making you an amenable companion.

• Please exercise some greater control on your bladder. The nation is infinitely grateful to you for the fertilising offices performed by the free-flowing catharsis of your humours and would anoint you the crowning glory of creation for these magnanimous services discharged copiously were it not for the slight matter of odour. Noses being noses, to have whole street corners dedicated to such greening impetus is too great a burthen to be conscionably borne by lesser, pettier mortals.  

• Please rest gaseous matters till a room adequate for discharge be readily available. The world is always regaled by your adeptness in achieving catharsis in as sundry ways as are humanly possible, but in such odoriferous expositions of your humanity you can endeavour to be as humane as possible and leave humanity to its humane business sans smells and sounds descending from your person. 

• Please display a bit less artistry in spitting your paan. No culture is equal to ours in dispositions artistic and refined and though you in conformity with our long standing tradition of perfection in both form and content have striven to leave marks immortals on all possible walls, it could do well do direct such longings into convenient bins, basins or, if none of these should be forthcoming, much less visible corners of walls and staircases. 

It is with an overwhelming sense of your greatness as a force sublime, a move of the world at large, a shaper of matters inner and domestic, that these humble suggestions are meekly offered to your munificent selves for kind perusal. Hoping that they are as all should and that offence, if caused, shall be readily forgiven for want of experience in dealings of the sort,

Rest of the Population